Parenting guidance has never been entirely instinctive. Yet, until around the mid-20th century, raising children might have seemed more natural for many Americans because they were constantly exposed to caregiving. Extended families often lived together, so aunts, uncles, and grandparents frequently helped raise children. Older siblings also had plenty of chances to look after younger ones. Families were larger on average, meaning children usually had more brothers, sisters, and cousins—and might have helped supervise younger kids in the neighborhood as well. By the time someone started their own family, they had likely seen numerous ways to calm a baby or handle a toddler’s outburst, and had probably practiced these strategies themselves. They also benefited from a supportive network offering parenting guidance, including relatives, neighbors, and community authorities such as clergy and doctors, notes Andrew Bomback, author of Long Days, Short Years: A Cultural History of Modern Parenting guidance.

Nowadays, many new parents have little practical knowledge of childcare beyond what they observed in their own upbringing. Children increasingly spend time in organized activities led by trained adults, reducing the chances for teenagers to babysit. Home economics classes are rarer, mostly optional rather than required, and often focus on “consumer science” skills like cooking for a business rather than child-rearing, explains Dorian Traube, dean of the social-work school at Washington University in St. Louis, who researches childhood and family health. At the same time, traditional sources of parenting knowledge are fading: families are smaller, membership in religious communities is declining, and trust in doctors has weakened.

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Traube recalls that when she had her first baby, breastfeeding was difficult, so she sought help from a lactation consultant. Feeling inadequate, she asked, “Why is this so challenging?” The consultant replied, “Because your community has largely disappeared.” About a century ago, she explained, other local women would have guided her through this process. Instead, Traube found herself navigating it alone, assuming it should come naturally.

Many Parenting guidance experience this, Hillary Frank, creator of the podcast The Longest Shortest Time, explains. “And it’s always evolving. Just when you feel you’ve figured out one stage, another one arrives.”

Although there is no shortage of parenting advice, formal, structured education for parents is much harder to find, even though it is linked to better outcomes for families. One research center’s review of the literature found that parenting education programs were linked to children showing more empathy, cooperation, and helpfulness, as well as reduced aggression and hyperactivity. Another program found that after completing a series of classes, parents noticed their children were more likely to follow rules, and the parents themselves felt more confident in listening, playing, setting boundaries, and managing parenting stress.

Of course, there’s only so much one can do to prepare for parenthood. Shauna Tominey, a professor at Oregon State University who specializes in Parenting guidance education, shared that even though she had taught young children, studied child development, and helped design parenting classes, she still felt completely overwhelmed at times when she became a mother. No matter the role models you have or the number of books you read, she says, parenting is unpredictable, challenging, and often isolating. While classes can’t remove those difficulties, they can provide support. Families can connect with one another, which is far less lonely than searching online for advice, and class leaders can assist in problem-solving as challenges arise.

Yet, most parents never attend these courses. Researchers noted that while childbirth classes are common—Parenting guidance for labor—parenting education after birth is much rarer. One reason is that these programs are not always widely available and are often seen as resources only for parents who are struggling. And understandably, no one wants to admit they are struggling.

Funding is a major barrier. Legislators and educators often operate with what Traube called a “scarcity mindset,” assuming that offering parenting classes for everyone would be impossible, so they limit them to specific groups—such as young parents, low-income families, parents with multiple children in a short time, or combinations of these. “For those multiply stressed families, we tend to have some good resources,” Traube says. “But the bar to qualify is pretty high.” As a result, the families with the least money often get more access to parenting programs, the wealthiest can hire nannies or other support, and the large group in between often has few options for help.

When parenting programs become linked with low-income families, Traube explained, it can lead to both stigma around the courses and the unfair assumption that poverty equals poor parenting. It doesn’t help that these programs are sometimes required after cases of child abuse or neglect. Even when classes are free and easy to access, many people don’t see them as a resource to use voluntarily.

Seeking support for anything can be challenging; for parents, “applying that to the most important thing in our lives” is especially difficult, Tominey says. Raising children is deeply personal, and the culture of shaming “bad parents” is widespread in the U.S. Traube notes how many TV shows mock parents who are struggling or unconventional: shows like Teen Mom, 19 Kids and Counting, or the numerous nanny programs where a professional steps in to rescue a hapless family.

People can be sensitive about receiving help, particularly when it comes from the government. “In the U.S., parenting is seen as one of the personal freedoms people have,” Traube says. The idea of learning it in a structured way, like driver’s education, often meets resistance, because the notion of an innate parental instinct is highly idealized. Yet, when you’re inexperienced, relying solely on instinct may not be the best approach.

Sometimes, when people improvise, they end up struggling quietly. By the time they attend a parenting class, researchers say, they often have already reached a critical point. It doesn’t have to be this way. Traube believes that parenting education could follow a similar path to how mental health has evolved in public perception: in the past, people sought help mainly during crises. You either experienced mental health challenges or you didn’t. But as therapy has become more accepted, that distinction has blurred. Increasingly, people are turning to resources proactively, without fear of being judged.

The experts I spoke with were optimistic, because they’ve observed the positive impact when parents do attend classes. Tominey is involved with a statewide initiative called the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative, which teams up with local organizations to provide a wide range of free short- and long-term programs. “Some families only need a session on handling tantrums,” she explains. Others might be looking for a class in Spanish, want to meet fellow Latino parents, need guidance supporting children with disabilities, or hope to better understand adolescence. Parenting instructors are constantly exploring ways to make joining feel less daunting, she adds. For instance, at a parenting trivia night hosted by one of the Collaborative’s partner organizations at a bar, the host mentioned: “Would anyone like to continue this discussion? Our parenting class starts next week.” Tominey notes that “half of the attendees ended up enrolling.”

Her team has discovered that the most effective way to encourage parents to join is through trusted personal recommendations. (Ninety-seven percent of families who participate in the program say they would suggest it to others, Tominey mentions.) Traube shares a similar experience: in the 1980s, Missouri ran a free home visitation program, where educators visited parents to provide hands-on support with caregiving challenges. Even today, she still hears from families who valued it. “There’s a sense of pride in having completed it,” she says of that program. “It’s like a rite of passage.”

Ultimately, Tominey points out, most parents will do whatever they can for their children. She’s also found that when class titles focus on benefits for the child—like learning to help kids handle strong emotions—attendance increases. If parents aren’t enrolling, it’s often not because they’re self-centered, but because they tend to put their own needs last. They may feel they don’t deserve help.

Yet, the advantages of parenting classes can extend beyond individual households. Tominey explains that when parents in a community feel less shame, the entire community benefits—it becomes more connected, tolerant, and compassionate, even for those without children. While traditional networks and institutions may have weakened, we can create new ones. “We want that for our children,” she says, “but also for ourselves.”

According to Dr. John Gottman, when couples become parents, they experience a sort of cross-cultural exchange. Each partner brings a unique set of beliefs shaped by their own upbringing.

William Doherty, in The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties, points out that when a new family unit forms, partners have the chance to reassess their values and beliefs and intentionally build a shared culture within their family. The more deliberate that culture, the stronger and healthier the family thrives.

“All of us enter relationships carrying the belief systems we learned as children,” says Allison Bates, a clinical counselor in Burnaby, BC. “But that doesn’t necessarily mean those ways are the best for raising your own children.”

With these differences in mind, is it realistic to hope that my husband and I can eventually find common ground, parenting together with consistent, well-defined boundaries while also honoring our child’s emotions?