Parenting Styles is one of the biggest challenges in a marriage is co-parenting, especially when each parent has a different approach to raising children, or even worse, when their methods directly conflict. In my experience working with couples, this issue comes up more frequently than any other concern in marriage counseling. I’ve also noticed that the article on “parenting styles” is among the most popular on our website. So why does this topic resonate so strongly with couples?

(1) First, it’s a complex matter because it touches on each partner’s personal values, their own childhood experiences, and the way they were parented.

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(2) Second, it’s long-lasting, as children are a permanent part of life.

(3) Third, having children introduces a third person into the original husband-and-wife dynamic, which requires adapting the marriage in ways that may be entirely new.

(4) Finally, parents carry a deep sense of responsibility regarding their children, so decisions about par are often highly significant and emotionally charged.

Differences in parenting styles can’t simply be ignored or postponed. Children need guidance every day, which constantly brings these issues to the surface. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “parenting style” or would like a refresher, check out my article on our website titled Assessing Your Parenting Style, which will provide clarity for the ideas discussed in this article.

I’m not aware of research that directly addresses this exact question. However, there is considerable research on how various—or sometimes maladaptive—parenting styles affect aspects of development, particularly in relation to adolescent substance use and social behaviors. If you want to explore this topic more deeply, you could search for “academic studies” on these subjects.

Refocusing on the question of parenting style prevalence, a more specific question might be: “Do mothers and fathers typically display stereotypical differences?” From my observation, fathers often emphasize rules and discipline, while mothers are more likely to address emotional issues such as self-esteem. Of course, this is a generalization, and many parents don’t fit this pattern. In some families, the roles may even be reversed, with mothers being stricter and fathers more permissive.

The essential point, however, concerns the fundamental beliefs and assumptions about raising children and how these beliefs shape parenting behaviors. For example, one perspective might be: “Children should be seen and not heard.” Parents with this viewpoint may not permit children to question, challenge, or express disagreement when given instructions. Conversely, another perspective could be: “Children should be encouraged to share their feelings about expectations.” Parents holding this view may allow children to raise objections, voice disagreements, or ask questions about what is being asked of them. I’m not implying that either approach is inherently correct or incorrect. The main idea is that understanding and working with different parenting styles requires examining the underlying values and assumptions, which I will delve into further as our discussion continues.

Most people develop a Parenting Styles, even if they aren’t consciously aware of it. As we grow up, we directly experience the Parenting Styles of one or both of our parents. Since these experiences occur early in life, when we are more adaptable, they leave a lasting impact and are absorbed on a subconscious level. How we were nurtured, comforted, guided, and disciplined is not something we simply learn from external sources—it becomes deeply embedded in our minds through our interactions with our parents. When we eventually become parents ourselves, the framework from our own childhood is already established, serving as the foundation for the parenting style we adopt.

For some parents, the old patterns are simply repeated without much consideration of whether they are effective. Parents in this group often express this attitude with statements like,

“If it worked for me, it will work for my children.”

When asked by others about whether this approach is effective, they might respond, “I turned out fine, didn’t I?” These parents accept the parenting methods they experienced as children without really questioning their value. The beliefs and principles behind their approach are deeply ingrained and unquestioned, almost automatic. They experience little internal debate about how children should be raised. Their perspective is rigid and clearly defined.

When I worked in child protection services, I once spoke with a colleague about corporal punishment. He said, “My father hit me many times, but I turned out okay.” I didn’t know enough about him to judge if that was entirely true, but the point is that, in his mind, his father’s parenting style was simply a given—it was the way things were and the way they should be. He had absorbed it so completely that he saw no issue with applying the same approach to his own children.

Some parents take a more intentional approach to their parenting style. They usually start with the framework they inherited but may question certain practices along the way. While they are hesitant to stray too far from the model they grew up with, they are open to evaluating specific methods if they find them particularly uncomfortable or ineffective.

For instance, a parent raised in a very authoritarian household may embrace the core idea that parents should maintain strong authority and control over their children. However, they might decide that corporal punishment is not an effective way to discipline and seek out alternative strategies.

These parents adjust certain aspects of the original model to improve it. These adjustments involve a slight departure from the values of their family of origin. Overall, they are not ready to fully scrutinize the entire framework for its effectiveness, as doing so could provoke anxiety and a sense of disconnection from their family.

There is a third category of parents who strive to learn everything they can about parenting, regardless of whether they feel they already have a solid foundation. These parents actively research a wide range of topics, including child and adolescent development, discipline, sibling dynamics, education, temperament, and all facets of raising children.

They take the time to clearly identify their own values and the goals they have for their children, allowing them to develop a parenting approach that aligns with these principles. They are more likely to ask themselves,

“What is the purpose of this parenting approach, and is it truly in my child’s best interest?”

They choose what they consider the most effective ideas and tools to start with, while remaining open to adjusting their methods based on what they learn over time. Even if they adopt much of their initial parenting blueprint, they are willing to modify or abandon parts of it if they feel a different approach is necessary.

For those coming from a highly ineffective or abusive background, they are ready to begin completely anew. These parents employ a thoughtful, intentional process when selecting the strategies they will use in raising their children.

Most parents fall somewhere in the middle, taking a “semi-conscious” approach to raising their children. This means they give some consideration to whether the way they were raised might need adjustments. Unfortunately, many parents operate from a largely unconscious mindset, simply repeating the methods they experienced growing up or parenting without much reflection on topics like child development, individuality, discipline versus punishment, a child’s temperament, or specific parenting needs. These parents are often those who were brought up in an environment that emphasized rote behavior rather than thoughtful evaluation and self-assessment.

Believe it or not, there are benefits if handled thoughtfully. When two parents have different approaches but are able to blend their methods through compromise and collaboration, a child can witness firsthand how differences can become complementary and constructive. No two parents are ever identical. Even if they share core values and approaches, some differences are inevitable—just as differences exist between men and women. Children are aware of this and can learn to navigate it positively if their parents cooperate effectively. Here’s an illustration:

Kevin, a 12-year-old boy, wants to go deep-sea fishing with his best friend’s family on a Saturday. The trip will take place several hours away, and they will drive to the coast and use their boat. Kevin first approaches his mother, whose initial response is a firm “no.” She worries about the potential dangers and is not open to discussion. Kevin then turns to his father, hoping he will be more lenient and possibly advocate on his behalf. Dad thinks it sounds like a great opportunity and is enthusiastic about it. However, he doesn’t give an immediate answer. Instead, he tells Kevin that he will speak with Mom first so they can make a decision together.

When Mom and Dad discuss the situation, they establish some conditions: Kevin must speak with the hosts, review the trip details, understand the safety precautions, and have a plan for staying in touch. Once these requirements are met, they agree to let him go.

At first glance, the difference between the parents’ approaches might not seem dramatic. But if Mom had handled the decision alone, she likely would have said no, and if Dad had acted independently, he might have agreed without considering important safety measures. The key point is that Kevin understood how each parent would likely respond and used that knowledge to present his case effectively. He didn’t manipulate his parents against each other; rather, he appealed to both perspectives. The parents wisely compromised, providing a solution that satisfied everyone. Kevin also gained a lesson in how people with differing views can work together to resolve a problem.

Another advantage of having parents with different styles is that a child can seek support from the parent who isn’t upset when the other is. If handled appropriately, the second parent can let the child express their feelings without taking sides. This allows the child to articulate emotions, while boundaries and decisions remain consistent. At the same time, the child learns that relationships can handle differences constructively.